Living in the Silence
by burntotears
Summary: Joan's back home and her faith is lost. She's missing the life she thought she hated and pushing away all those she worked so hard to get close to. SPOILERS through season finale.
1. Out of the Hospital

**Group:** Living in the Silence  
**Drabble No. 1:** Out of the Hospital  
**Rating:** PG  
**Fandom:** Joan of Arcadia  
**Spoilers:** Silence and anything before  
**Pairing:** Joan/Adam  
**Disclaimer:** Joan of Arcadia and all related elements © Barbara Hall Productions, Inc. and CBS Productions, in association with Sony Pictures Television. All rights reserved.   
**Author's Note:** If it sucks, sorry. My first attempt. Maybe I'll get better.

-----------------------------------  
  
Joan sat on the porch, elbows on knees and hands holding up her chin. She was ignoring everyone since she left the hospital. School was over now, so she had nothing to do to distract her. Imagine that, Joan Girardi wanting school work to distract her. Any of it was better than sitting around her house and being bugged by her family and friends.  
  
She heard the door open and close and her mother put a plate next to her with a sandwich on it. She turned to leave and Joan spat out, "I'm not hungry."  
  
Helen sighed. "You didn't eat breakfast this morning."  
  
"I wasn't hungry then either." Joan slumped further.  
  
"You have to eat something, Joan. You have to stay hea-"  
  
"I'm fine, Mom!" She screamed, standing and turning to look at her mother. "I don't want it. I'm not **hungry**. Give it to Kevin. He's always hungry." She turned and began walking down the sidewalk.  
  
"Joan! Where do you think you're going?" Helen looked after the girl, feeling angry and sad for her at the same time.  
  
"Out!" She screamed, not faltering her steps.  
  
"You... you be back before dark, young lady!" She sighed, feeling helpless and decided to just let her go. Making her stay there wouldn't help any and she knew that. What she wished she knew was what was wrong with her daughter.  
  
Kevin wheeled up next to her and patted her arm, then gestured toward the sandwich. "So can I have it?" He asked, smiling.  
  
Helen rolled her eyes and bent down to pick it up and thrust it into his hands. "Your sister is impossible."  
  
"Yes well at least I get her sandwiches," he mumbled, biting into it.  
  
---  
  
Grace started after Joan when she saw her walking down the street. "Girardi!" She called after her, running to catch up. When she was walking beside the girl, who hadn't slowed any, she looked at her with an arched eyebrow. "Girardi, what are you doing?"  
  
"It's called walking, Grace. But maybe since my two week stay in the hospital they changed the name and didn't give me the memo. I get that a lot," she practically sneered at her.  
  
Grace felt the sudden urge to hit the other girl. Sucking it up, she stuck with the subject. "I mean with Adam."  
  
"I'm not doing anything with Adam. If you would notice, Adam is not here. I'm walking. Alone. Or I was, at least." Another smart ass comment that she didn't try to play down.  
  
"Listen, Girardi, I don't know what your problem is, but fix it with him. Because I'm pretty sure I made it clear that I wasn't going to be the go- between with you two if you decided to start dating like this. And I'm not. He calls me just to talk about you and I'm sick of it. Take care of it because I'm not going to do it for you."  
  
Joan had stopped walking and she looked at Grace with wide eyes and mouth hanging open. "You-"  
  
"Don't want to hear it. Just fix the problem or at least make it bearable. Because _this_, Girardi, this is **not** bearable." She turned and walked away from the girl, not letting her get a word in.  
  
Joan watched her walk away feeling completely beside herself. Who was Grace to tell her what to do in her relationship anyway? She said she didn't want to get involved in it before and now she was telling Joan what to do with it? Joan huffed and stomped on the ground, continuing to walk down the street with arms folded.  
  
---  
  
Adam walked into the house and sat next to Joan on the couch, looking at her a bit timidly. "Hey," he pointed toward the door, "your mom said I could come in so... I did."  
  
Helen was working outside and Kevin, Luke and Will were all gone so Joan was alone inside the house flipping through the channels on the television. She practically jumped at the sound of his voice and a frown crossed her lips.  
  
"Hey," she said absent-mindedly, hand holding the remote as she pushed the channel button every other second.  
  
"So I-- Grace said she saw you the other day. I didn't know you were... going out or anything or I would have-- well I've called but you haven't ever answered, really..." He ran his hands over his jeans nervously, not quite sure what to say to her.  
  
"Yeah, I was walking," she said, ignoring all else that he had said. She didn't really ignore it; it was more along the lines of pretending she didn't hear it. It was easier that way.  
  
"Jane, did I do something-"  
  
"No," she cut him off, channels still changing, though now she really paid it little attention.  
  
"Then why-"  
  
"It doesn't matter, Adam." If she didn't know any better, she'd say that him calling her delusional and basically crazy in so many words didn't really register in his mind. He apparently didn't understand that he shot down everything she thought was real and told her that it was all a disease making her think she saw and heard things that weren't real. He told her that _He_ wasn't real. So she believed him.  
  
Now she just had to figure out why it not only made her feel like shit, but also made her feel like she had some sort of hole inside her. She had to figure out why she actually felt like she missed having some strange person come and begin talking to her randomly when she walked down the street.  
  
"Jane, I just want to-"  
  
Joan faked a yawn and turned off the TV. "I'm kind of tired, Adam. Medicine makes me sleepy a lot. Can we talk later?" She kissed him on the cheek, though it felt rather odd to her, and walked up the stairs, not allowing him to object.  
  
He sat on the couch for a while, staring at the blank television screen. Finally, after about 15 minutes he stood and walked slowly back to his house.  
  
-end one-


	2. Question of Faith

**Group:** Living in the Silence  
**Drabble No. 2:** Question of Faith  
**Rating:** PG  
**Fandom:** Joan of Arcadia  
**Spoilers:** Silence and anything before  
**Pairing:** Joan/Adam, Luke/Grace  
**Disclaimer:** Joan of Arcadia and all related elements © Barbara Hall Productions, Inc. and CBS Productions, in association with Sony Pictures Television. All rights reserved.  
**Author's Note:** Second try. May be better. May still stink.  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
"Hey Geek, where's your sister?" Grace said, walking up behind Luke and hitting him on the head. She sat down next to him and waited.  
  
"I couldn't get her to come," Luke said simply, looking over at her. "She said some incomprehensible nonsense about Adam... eating her faith and you telling her how to live her life? I think she was still half asleep." He shook his head.  
  
Grace looked at her watch. "At twelve in the afternoon? And I didn't tell her any such thing. I told her to fix her problem."  
  
"She says the medicine makes her sleep more. She's just complaining. She's acted weird ever since she got home..." Luke didn't want to talk about Joan, but he knew that she was Grace's friend and Grace wanted to talk about her. He wanted to know what was going to happen between them. He wanted to know if that kiss had meant as much to her as it had to him. "Grace-"  
  
"No, Luke, I don't want to talk about it. It- it shouldn't have happened and it was a mistake, alright?" She stood up. "I gotta go." She quickly walked away, leaving the boy alone.  
  
"Why did you have to pick this one?" He asked himself quietly, standing up and walking away from the bench.  
  
---  
  
As the Girardis sat down for dinner, Joan was being her usual pouting self. Luke was talking about an experiment and of course, no one was listening to him. Helen turned to Will and gave him the 'Well?' look, so he cleared his throat and looked at his children.  
  
"Kids," he said, waiting for everyone to look at him. Joan kept her eyes down, stabbing her fork repeatedly into her meat. He sighed and continued, "your mom and I have been... discussing, and we think it would be a good idea if we... try to go to a church. Just to test one out, see if we like it. I think of it sort of like buying a car. You've got to test drive it first to see if you want to stick with it and-"  
  
"No," Joan said simply, not lifting her head.  
  
"Now Joan-" Helen started.  
  
"No Mom, I'm not going," Joan said, dropping her fork on her plate and looking up at her mother. Kevin and Luke watched her curiously.  
  
"Joan, we think this is something we should all try as a family. It will be a better idea than counseling, I promise," Helen chuckled.  
  
"I told you he's not real. I don't believe in him." Joan was beginning to grit her teeth. She was **not** going to be forced to go to a church and worship something she had no faith in.  
  
"Honey, you were sick. Besides, weren't you the one who said Joan of Arc wasn't crazy? She thought she was talking to **God**. If you don't believe in him, why would you believe Joan of Arc?" Helen's voice was filled with disbelief. How could this girl be so wishy-washy? How could she **live** like that?  
  
Joan shook her head, thinking back to the night she told Adam her so-called secret. "Sometimes we all say things that we think are true until we're told differently." She stood up and pushed in the chair. "Maybe Joan of Arc was just sick too, Mom." With that she left the table and went to her room.  
  
The other four heard her slam the door and Kevin looked at his parents. "What was-"  
  
Will shook his head. "Don't even ask, Kevin."  
  
---  
  
Joan walked down the street past Arcadia High, wandering to no where. She tried to stay at her house as little as possible after the conversation they'd had at dinner. She couldn't believe that all this time she'd thought she was talking to God and her parents hadn't even _mentioned_ church and then when she finds out that she was just hallucinating it all, they decide to become the good Christian family of the year. Well she wasn't going to stand for it. They couldn't force her to believe in God and they couldn't force her to go to church. There had to be some sort of cult she could join...  
  
With her head cluttered with thoughts she hadn't even noticed the small old lady walking in front of her. She collided head on and knocked the woman over, who in turn threw her cane about ten feet away from her and whined like an injured animal.  
  
Joan's eyes got wide as she realized what she'd done and she quickly picked herself up and began helping the woman stand.  
  
"My cane, dear, I need my cane," the old woman pointed toward the wooden cane that was lying in the middle of the street. Joan stood and headed toward it, but stopped when a truck zipped by and ran over it, splintering it into pieces. Joan stared in shock at the cane.  
  
"I... I... what can I... oh no, I'm so so sorry, I can't believe... oh this is **not **good," Joan shook her head and just looked at the woman.  
  
The woman feebly began trying to stand and Joan rushed over to offer her arm. Standing up completely, the woman nodded at her. "It's quite alright, Joan, it wasn't your fault... completely."  
  
Joan dropped the woman's arm and looked in horror. No. No she was taking medicine and this shouldn't be happening. "How... did you know... my name?" Joan's mouth hung open and she began backing away from the old woman. "You can't... you aren't... stop it! Stop talking to me! It's not real! I'm ok! I've got medication, I'm not sick anymore! Just... just leave me alone!" She turned quickly on her heel and began running away from the woman.  
  
She wobbled back and forth, trying to stay standing. She reached her hand out after the girl speaking as loud as she could, "No, dear, it was on your bracelet. I read your name off your..." she sighed when she realized the girl couldn't hear her. Looking around for something to grab hold of, she slowly made her way to a tree to wait until she could find someone to help her.  
  
---  
  
Luke and Adam sat awkwardly on the bench in the park, not used to talking to each other like this. Adam had no other choice. He was desperate to know how Joan was doing at home and, even if he didn't want to admit it, Luke wanted to know what Joan and Adam had talked about any time recently. So the boys decided to meet, though the park stirred weird memories of Glynis inside Luke.  
  
"So uh... how is she doing?" Adam finally broke the silence, looking over at Luke, who continually stared straight ahead.  
  
"She's... well she's been ignoring us all, actually. I think it might just be her body familiarizing itself with the antibiotics which is causing a chemical imbalance in her head and making her... a bit unbearable." He almost shuddered.  
  
"So is this... how she acted before the disease... happened?" Adam prodded carefully.  
  
"No, this isn't her at all. Not that we can pinpoint exactly when the disease began affecting her, but I don't ever remember her being_ this_ bad. She was moody, but she's also female and that's to be expected of them." He shook his head.  
  
"Has she said anything about me? She won't... answer the phone when I call and when your mom answers she won't take the phone and I... I just want to talk to her, y'know?" Luke finally looked at him and tried to read what was on his face. He sounded genuine enough and if he hadn't slept with his sister then maybe... maybe he was an ok guy.  
  
"She hasn't said much. But she's mentioned you a few times. She said once that..." Luke stopped. Telling Adam that Joan said something like 'he ate my faith' probably wouldn't be the greatest thing to tell a boyfriend that his girlfriend had said. Luke suddenly wondered if that comment had anything to do with Joan's dismissal of their parents' idea to attend a church.  
  
Realizing he had been quiet for a while, Luke shook his head. "She said she wanted to talk to you she just... was missing some... some faith?" He wasn't sure that was a good thing to say either, but it sounded better than 'faith eater.' Maybe Joan was just getting those silly Harry Potter books mixed up with her dreams. Surely that was it.  
  
Adam looked forward again, nodding slightly. Luke hurried to say something else. "The other night at dinner, Mom and Dad said we should uh... should try to go to church. Just to see if it would work out. Joan... she sort of threw a fit. Said she wouldn't go and she didn't believe in God. Has she ever... mentioned anything like that to you?"  
  
Adam sat still. Truthfully, she had mentioned God to him before, but she had also said that she talked to him which definitely wasn't saying she didn't believe. Opening his mouth to speak, Luke interrupted him again.  
  
"Mom mentioned the time that Joan had gotten an A on that exam about Joan of Arc. Joan had been really interested in her and screamed at us all at the table that Joan of Arc wasn't crazy. Which doesn't make sense if she doesn't believe in God. Why would she defend someone like that if she didn't believe?"  
  
Adam sighed. Joan of Arc thought that she talked to God. Joan had told him that she was talking to God. So what did this mean? Was Joan crazy? Or was she just affected heavily by the disease? And why had she said she was missing faith? Was she missing faith in Adam or missing faith in God?  
  
Finally he shook his head, trying to clear all the questions and looked over at Luke. "I don't know, man. I don't understand any of it."  
  
They sat in silence for a while, not speaking and watching the sun set over the horizon. Standing, they said goodbye to each other and Adam was left alone with his thoughts of his girlfriend and whether or not he could deal with all of this.  
  
-end two- 


	3. Fairy Tale

**Group:** Living in the Silence  
**Drabble No. 3:** Fairy Tale  
**Rating:** PG  
**Fandom:** Joan of Arcadia  
**Spoilers:** Silence and anything before  
**Pairing:** Joan/Adam, Luke/Grace  
**Disclaimer:** Joan of Arcadia and all related elements © Barbara Hall Productions, Inc. and CBS Productions, in association with Sony Pictures Television. All rights reserved.  
**Author's Note:** Getting good reviews so hopefully that means you guys want more.  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
"Rove. Your sudden extension of social gratitude is rather alarming. Are you sick?" Grace sat down next to Adam, surprised that the boy had asked her to meet him.  
  
"No. Sorry. I've just been busy... and worried-" Adam started.  
  
"About Girardi. Yes, I know. Has she... talked to you yet?"  
  
"Besides the 'Sorry, can't talk, I'm tired' bit—no." He shook his head and sighed.  
  
"Yes well," Grace sighed loudly as if the words hurt as she put them out, "maybe it's just one of those... 'give her some time' things? I'm no Joan expert, but I'm pretty sure when she's got something that bugs her, she won't just let it go until she's gotten it taken care of." She shrugged her shoulders.  
  
"Yeah, I know. It's just... hard to wonder if it wasn't me that caused... whatever it is."  
  
Grace laughed. "Truthfully, you probably did. But it's probably something miniscule that you shouldn't even be worrying about. She's a bit of a drama queen, y'know."  
  
Surprisingly, Adam cracked a small smile. "Yeah, she is. Well, what have you been up to, Grace? I really didn't mean to come out here and talk about Joan. I just wanted to hang out... like we never do anymore..."  
  
"Well there's never much new with me, Rove. Hebrew classes take up a lot of time and... well if it isn't one Girardi, it's another." She shook her head as if it was a passive comment, but Adam pressed it anyway.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Oh nothing, just that stupid geek..." Grace was trying to get him to drop the subject, but she had a feeling it wasn't going to happen.  
  
Adam laughed. "Luke? What about him?"  
  
"Nothing. He's just... really annoying sometimes..."  
  
"Right," Adam raised an eyebrow at her. "I talked to him the other day, actually. He doesn't seem all that annoying. Why does he annoy you?"  
  
"Hell Rove, why don't you just ask if we kissed already?" Grace jumped up, her hands flying in the air.  
  
Adam grinned. "You kissed him?"  
  
"No! He kissed—well it just sort of... I told him I wasn't into him!"  
  
"You kissed him and then told him you weren't into him? You're gonna confuse the crap out of him, Grace." Adam couldn't help but smile.  
  
"Actually, I told him I wasn't into him and **then** I kissed him... I mean, he kissed me—well it sort of happened." Adam nodded. "He's a geek! I don't dig geeks. He's into science and theorems and... just a load of crap I don't care about. He likes to talk about how things work and what makes up everything... I don't care about that. He's smart and stupid and annoying and when he talks it's like he's trying to make you feel stupid, which I admit is funny when directed at the right person, but when directed at me, it's not cool. He's got no life outside of... science. I mean, he probably gets off from it or something. I'm not anything like that, dude, I..."  
  
Adam smiled lightly as she went on about Luke. As much as he and Joan were different, Luke and Grace were ten times more opposite. But there was the saying...  
  
He stood up when she trailed off and shook his head. "I don't know, Grace. I gotta get home, though. Good luck with it." He turned and began walking away, then about five feet away he stopped and turned to call out to her, "Opposites attract, yo."  
  
Grace frowned after him. _Opposites, my ass.  
_  
---  
  
"Y'know, television like this really does lessen your brain capacity," Luke said, sitting on the couch next to Joan and switching the TV from a soap opera to National Geographic.  
  
Joan scoffed and grabbed the remote back. "I like my small brain capacity, thanks. And I was watching that."  
  
"Adam misses you," Luke blurted out, not even meaning to get to that subject. Joan muted the TV and turned to him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"He misses you. You're whole living as a hermit routine doesn't leave much time for him to spend with you. Not to mention your attitude royally sucks."  
  
Joan's mouth fell open. "Listen nerd, I don't need you trying to give me relationship advice. If I can remember correctly, you and Glynis broke up. Adam and I are still together. So leave me alone." She un-muted the TV and turned her attention back to it.  
  
Luke shook his head. _Women._ As he stood to go, Helen called to Joan from the kitchen, "Get dressed, Joan, we're going to the library."  
  
"But Mom-"  
  
"We're leaving in five minutes!"  
  
Joan stomped all the way up the stairs.  
  
---  
  
"Pick out some books. You need to read instead of watching so much TV..."  
  
"It's summer, Mom! I don't _have_ to read! Hence the term: summer vacation! I'm supposed to be getting a break here!"  
  
An older lady shushed them. Helen sighed. "Joan, I said pick out some books. As long as you are going to be moping around the house you're going to have to do as I say, understand?"  
  
"Oh for Chri-"  
  
"Joan." Helen said simply, turning toward the art section. Joan looked around. She didn't want to get any books. She didn't want to _read_. Sighing heavily, she walked toward the fiction section when she overheard a child and mother arguing.  
  
"I want Cinderella, Mom!"  
  
"Cinderella isn't real, honey. Let's pick a book that has a good moral-"  
  
"I want Cinderella! I like it! They're happy and-"  
  
"We're getting books that teach you things, dear. Ones you can learn-"  
  
"I don't want to learn! I want Cinderella!"  
  
Finally, the lady had to drag her child out of the library for being so loud. Joan raised an eyebrow and turned toward the children section. She scanned through the books and her eyes landed on a book titled _Classic Fairy Tales_. She pulled it out and skimmed through the pages. Smiling, she grabbed a few more like it and headed toward her mother who was already waiting to leave. She handed her the books and Helen looked down at them and then back up at Joan.  
  
"Wha-" She stopped herself and just shrugged, placing all the books on the counter to check them out.  
  
---  
  
Luke sat down next to his brother at the table and sighed.  
  
"What's your problem now?" Kevin asked, eating chips and flipping through a magazine.  
  
"The day Joan went to the hospital, I walked Grace home."  
  
Kevin looked at him stupidly. "So?"  
  
"So we kissed."  
  
"Oh yeah? She kissed you?" Kevin closed the magazine, somewhat interested.  
  
"No. It was sort of—it just happened. One second she was yelling at me saying she wasn't into me and the next we were kissing." Luke drummed his fingers on the table nervously.  
  
"She sounds like a nut case to me. Have you always gone for the psycho types?"  
  
Luke smiled. "She's not a psychopath. She's really intelligent and humorous and I like to be with her and she makes me laugh about just anything and every time I see her I want to touch her and-"  
  
"Alright, dude, spare the details. You're into her, that's obvious enough to everyone." Kevin shook his head. "So have you talked to her since then?"  
  
"Yeah. But I try to bring it up and she avoids the subject. Or more-so she gets up runs out of the room."  
  
"Dude, you're just going to have to ask Joan to talk to her for you. There's no other way. She certainly doesn't want to talk to you about it so you're going to have to play the sister card. That's the perk of her being friends with Grace."  
  
Luke shook his head. "Yeah, only that Joan is so verily ignoring everyone at the moment, Grace included. I can't get Joan to talk to her. I can't even get Joan to get off the couch."  
  
Sighing, Kevin knew he was right. Ever since the hospital stay their sister had been acting weird and Kevin had a feeling it wasn't the illness or the medication or anything of the sort. She was more jumpy and stayed in the house more and more as the days wore on. Joan, who usually would find any excuse to never be at the house.  
  
"I know. I can't figure out what her problem is, though. Has she said anything to you?" Kevin lowered his voice as he spoke, in case Joan was around.  
  
Luke took the hint. "Not much," he whispered. "Though she did say something about missing faith. Could that be something?"  
  
Kevin raised an eyebrow. "Maybe. We'll have to start watching her more closely when she doesn't know it and we might figure something out. Don't tell Mom or Dad though. This'll just be between us." Kevin winked and Luke smiled at him.  
  
They didn't have a lot of brotherly bonding, but Luke was always happy to take what he could get. He nodded and stood up, going back to his room.  
  
---  
  
Joan was lying on her stomach on a blanket in the front yard. Another blanket was draped over her like she used to do when she was younger. Flashlight in hand, she flipped through her fairy tale books, grinning at some of the stories she used to love and laughing at the pictures.  
  
Adam quietly walked up and knelt next to her, placing his hand on her back. "Jane?"  
  
Joan jumped and turned quickly onto her back, throwing down the blanket to look up at Adam. "Yeah?"  
  
Adam sighed. "Hey. I was—what are you doing?" He looked down at her, his brow furrowed.  
  
"Reading." She turned her flashlight onto the book to show him what it was, then turned it off, settling on her back and looking at the stars. "Why are you here?"  
  
"Because you're my girlfriend, Jane, and we talk to each other less now than we did when we were just friends."  
  
Joan heaved a sigh and lifted the blanket, patting next to her for him to lie down. When he was settled next to her, he looked up at the sky. "Are you thinking of breaking up with me, Jane?" Adam hadn't really thought about that before, but now that he'd said it, he did wonder. Why else would she ignore him so much?  
  
"No. I just... I'm sorry, Adam." She sat quiet for a while, thinking about the books she'd been looking through. Scooting closer to him, she spoke. "Y'know fairy tales. When we're younger we read them, thinking that the perfect life is just how they depict things. If we are to have the perfect romance then we should live happily ever after. If we are to be like Cinderella or Snow White then when we find our Prince Charming everything should just fall into place and we should get along and be in love and there be no problems."  
  
Adam nodded, not quite sure what she was getting at.  
  
"I've been thinking about it a lot. That sort of thing... well it sounds really boring. To always get along and always have the perfect relationship. Who wants that?" Her voice got softer. "Who wants a perfect life where everything makes sense and there's no challenge? Sure it would be so-called 'happy,' but it would be the most boring life ever."  
  
"Jane, what-"  
  
Joan turned on her side and supported her head in her hand, elbow on the ground next to his head. She looked at him.  
  
"Adam, my life has never made any sense. At least not for a long while now. And I accepted that. In fact, I was getting used to it and I was _happy_. Truly happy. And once I was comfortable, something came along and ripped the ground from beneath me and I don't know where to stand anymore." A tear fell down her cheek and Adam felt a tightness in his chest.  
  
"I just want **my** fairy tale back. The one where everything that didn't make sense still somehow had a logical explanation behind it. The one where I was happy with how everything was going and I didn't feel so... alone."  
  
Adam rested his hand on the side of her face and rubbed her tears with his thumb. "You aren't alone, Jane. I'm always here when you need me."  
  
Joan nodded. "I know. I know you are but somehow... that's just not enough."  
  
Adam raised his head up and kissed her mouth sweetly, not sure what else he could say. He didn't know what she meant by any of it but if she was going to talk to him again, he was going to take what he could get for now.  
  
She kissed him back, sighing when he pulled away. Slowly opening her eyes, she smiled weakly at him. "Thank you."  
  
"Anytime, Jane. I'm here anytime you want."  
  
-end three- 


	4. Double O SeVen

**Group:** Living in the Silence  
**Drabble No. 4:** Double "O" SeVen  
**Rating:** PG  
**Fandom:** Joan of Arcadia  
**Spoilers:** Silence and anything before  
**Pairing:** Joan/Adam, Luke/Grace  
**Disclaimer:** Joan of Arcadia and all related elements © Barbara Hall Productions, Inc. and CBS Productions, in association with Sony Pictures Television. All rights reserved.  
**Author's Note:** Started out as comic relief but it's got some serious stuff at the end. Sorry for the delay. I'll try and get the next part done sooner. Sorry this one's so short too.

-----------------------------------

"Luke. Luke what is **that**?" Helen asked her son has he unsuccessfully tried to sneak up the stairs with a black briefcase.

The boy sighed heavily and backed up until he could see his mother. "It's nothing Mom, just some new... science equipment for an experiment I'm doing." Surely he wasn't telling the entire truth, but then again, he wasn't altogether lying to her either.

Helen nodded. "Alright, honey, you have fun." Luke continued up the stairs, sighing with relief and dropping the briefcase on his bed.

Opening the clips, he surveyed the contents. Gloves, tweezers, a pair of binoculars, a recorder, some blank tapes, two walkie talkies, a laser pen, a wrist watch with compass and of course, a magnifying glass. All for two easy installments of $19.99.

Grinning, he set to work.

---

"Luke. Luke!" Joan screamed as she stomped down the stairs, finding her brothers at the table talking. She glared at the younger one. "Why did Adam say she saw you in the tree next to my window when he came over the other day? What on earth were you doing?"

"I... uh..." He looked at Kevin hopefully, not sure what to say. Finally, after his brother elbowed him, he answered. "I was collecting data, of course. Pollen. Just because we are out of school doesn't mean I've got to lose all my finely tuned skills. I've got to keep in shape if I want to take Chemistry II AP next year, y'know."

He smiled satisfactorily, knowing his sister would believe the lie. As he predicted, Joan raised her hands in the air exasperatedly and stomped back out of the room. "What a **loser**!" was heard as she made her way up the stairs.

Kevin turned to his brother. "What _were_ you doing in the tree by her window?"

"Collecting data. You should know that all of my lies are somehow factually based. I was keeping an eye on our sister as we decided."

Kevin raised an eyebrow. "By watching her in the tree? That's really creepy, man. I think you're taking the spy thing a bit too far. She's already getting suspicious. You might want to lie low for a while."

Luke nodded enthusiastically. The fact that they were already being caught in the act excited him. Walking on the wire of danger made him rather giddy. "Alright. I'll keep it on the down low for the time being. I've got reports to type up anyway. Actual spying can be put off for a bit." He stood and grabbed an apple off the table, going up to his room to type up his findings.

Kevin shook his head. "He _is_ a loser."

---

'A bit' apparently wasn't defined well in Luke's vocabulary. A week later he found himself hiding in a bush, recorder in hand as he listened to Joan and Grace talk.

"You kissed my brother? Why?"

"I wanted to play with his chemistry set." She shook her head, laughing. "I don't know. It just happened."

"You and _Luke_?"

"Don't make it sound so repulsive, Girardi."

"But... it **is**."

"That's because he's your brother."

"But he's so... _Luke_."

"You're reasoning is impeccable Girardi. You should have your own show."

"Really?"

"No."

Luke wondered what all this meant. Joan had said it like they were a couple and Grace hadn't denied it. In fact, she was sort of defending him. So did this mean she liked him? That she would try to... _date_ him? He chanced a look out of the bushes to see the two girls on the bench. He couldn't quite see Grace's face and leaned out a little more, of course falling and knocking over a nearby trash can and startling the girls.

Grace was the first to walk over and see him. She looked pissed. Luke smiled wearily at her.

"What are you doing, geek?" Joan said, storming up behind Grace. "First trees, now bushes? Are you... _spying_ on me or something?"

Luke stood up quickly, hiding the tape recorder behind his back. "No, I'm not I'm just... I told you I was collecting data."

"Well that's fine as long as your data isn't **me**. I don't know what you're up to Luke, but you better stop now. Or I'll tell Mom." She turned to Grace. "I'll see you later." She walked away, but Grace stayed.

"Dude, what were you doing?" Grace questioned him, still looking pretty angry.

"Um... Kevin and I... well she's been acting so weird that we thought... we should sort of keep an eye on her and see... see if we could figure out what was wrong..."

"Did it ever occur to you two that she would tell you when she was ready? Or that maybe the problem is **you** two--that you're just so _male _you can't seem to see that your sister doesn't **want** you studying her like some sort of science project? She's not an experiment, Girardi, she's a person. Why didn't you just talk to her?" She crossed her arms.

Luke looked at her, feeling stupid and cursing Kevin for coming up with such a terrible idea. "Well she wasn't really talking to us in the first place. This seemed like the most feasible option."

"Oh and listening in on her conversations will help? You've got some serious issues, Girardi. And I wouldn't take anything I said seriously. I can humor people just as well as you can." She walked off and Luke huffed. Well this was great. Now she was going to avoid him more because he had heard all of that.

He threw the recorder into the trash. He definitely wasn't cut out to be a spy.

-end four-


	5. Runaway God

**Group:** Living in the Silence  
**Drabble No. 5:** Runaway God  
**Rating:** PG  
**Fandom:** Joan of Arcadia  
**Spoilers:** Silence and anything before  
**Pairing:** Joan/Adam, Luke/Grace  
**Disclaimer:** Joan of Arcadia and all related elements © Barbara Hall Productions, Inc. and CBS Productions, in association with Sony Pictures Television. All rights reserved.

**Author's Note:** This installment is dedicated to niteowl-gal on her birthday. Today is her birthday. Yep. Happy birthday, love!

-----------------------------------

Grace didn't come to the house anymore. If she did, she'd knock quickly and then stand halfway out in the yard as if she was afraid of getting infected. Luke could always tell when it was her, too. He'd hear the swift knock and the shuffle of feet like a young kid who was trying to play a prank. He sometimes wondered if Grace had ever done that.

One time, he'd answered the door. It was one of the earlier times she came over, when he didn't have it set in his mind that it was her at the door. He'd opened the door and she took one look at him, turned around and started at a run back to wherever it was she had come from. He rather would have had her punch him in the chest than run away. Luckily she didn't really care what he wanted anyhow.

So this time when she knocked, he only faltered for a second, and then sat back down. He watched Joan walk past the kitchen and out the front door. She wasn't talking to him either. Apparently she thought he had some mission to find out every little detail about her life and she called him "twisted and sick and a stalker" and now refused to eat dinner at the table with him. Kevin told him he'd messed up pretty bad, but he wasn't going to help him any because he didn't take part in it. Luke thought that was pretty shallow of him.

He had thought it was bad when Grace didn't talk to him, but not having Joan talk to him was worse. He never would have thought that would happen, as he would always tease her and **not **want to hear what she had to say, but now that she wouldn't talk to him, he felt alienated.

Sure Joan was annoying and girly and rambled on a lot about things that weren't really important, but he realized once it was gone he sort of missed it. He also just missed picking on her like he used to be able to do. He also missed Grace.

Luke was sure he'd never been so miserable before in his life. If he would have stayed with Glynis things would have been so much easier right now.

---

Adam was glad she was out and about again. Really, he was. It was just the selfish part of him that wished that it was more with him and less with Grace. He was glad they were getting along so well, sure, but why did it have to be _her_ all the time?

Typically, it went like this.

"Hey Jane, what are you up to?" Adam would ask, calling his girlfriend over the phone.

Joan would answer the phone, sounding like she was in a rush and would quickly apologize. "Oh Adam, hey. I'm glad you called, but I'm about to go out with Grace. Can I call you later?"

Adam would then sigh and nod, though she couldn't see that. "Alright."

And that was the end of that. And most of the time, she **didn't** call back. On the rare occasion that she did, it was only for a few minutes and then something would come up.

"Hey, sorry about this, Adam, but Mom says I have to go now."

He knew she wasn't doing it on purpose, but it felt like that sometimes. And even when you **know **something isn't the way you think it is, you still can't help how hurt you feel on the inside.

He had thought they had gotten somewhere the last time they had talked, though her rant about fairy tales had scared him a bit. Almost as much as when she said she talked to God. It had caught him off guard. She was seeing God? Didn't that scare her, even if it wasn't real? Adam was pretty sure it'd scare him. He didn't know a whole lot about God but he knew that he'd be scared if he ever met him.

The fairy tale rant sounded almost the same. She just sounded really confused and he wanted to help her with it, but he didn't know what to do. She'd held him up and helped him trek through so many things, he just wanted to give that back to her. This situation seemed a lot more helpless, though. He wondered sometimes if she didn't need to get some sort of professional help or something. Like go and see some sort of psychologist or counselor. He knew she'd be angry with him if he mentioned that to her though.

He sometimes wonders if he's bitten off more than he can chew.

---

Joan's had a lot of weird dreams. If she could remember them in complete detail and write them all down, she could probably publish a book of them. _The Funny, Freaky and Just Plain Wrong Book of Dreams by Joan Girardi. _She wondered if that was possible. She might be able to make a lot of money on that.

Tonight's dream wasn't any different. It wasn't evil koala bears in hats, but by Joan's new definitions; it was worse.

She was back in the hospital, except she wasn't in the bed. Well she was, but she was seeing it through someone else's eyes.

So there she was, sleeping on the bed and all of a sudden, God walks in. _No, that's not God, that's a hallucination. And this is a dream._

"What are you doing here?" She asked, surprised at hearing her own voice. She hadn't meant to say anything to him.

"Coming to see how you are doing, Joan." She watched him touch her forehead and felt a shiver run through her body.

"You came and saw me?"

"I'm here aren't I?"

"Yes." She didn't know what to say. He was there. He had come and seen her while she was in the hospital. But wasn't she hallucinating? Wasn't that what the doctors had been telling her? That it was lyme disease and she never had a special relationship with God?

"I thought you weren't real." She finally said.

"I get that a lot." He was still looking down at the Joan on the bed. He wouldn't look over at the Joan who was talking to him. She wondered if she was really even there.

"So I wasn't hallucinating?"

"I can't tell you that. You've got to figure it out on your own." His voice was strong, but soft at the same time. He looked like he was memorizing the Joan on the bed.

"What if I can't?" Her voice was small and almost cracking.

"I'm sorry."

"Adam didn't believe me."

"I wouldn't say that necessarily."

"He said I was dreaming!" She yelped.

"Maybe you were."

Her mouth dropped open. "Why are you doing this? Why won't you just tell me what **is** and what **isn't** so I can understand?" Her voice was loud and seemed to echo throughout the room. Her parents were sleeping on the couch, but they didn't stir. Maybe she really wasn't there.

God's voice was still firm and quiet. "I can't do that, Joan. I haven't done it for anyone else and I can't do it for you. You've got to decide for yourself. That's the point of it all. You've got to find your own faith... I can't just hand it to you."

She was silent for a while. She just stared at him, wondering exactly what she was supposed to do with this information.

"How do all the others do it?" She asked after what seemed like a never-ending silence.

"They believe."

"How?"

"With their hearts. They have love for me—and I for them."

"What about the ones who don't love you? What about the ones who are still trying to figure it out?"

"I still love them too. Sometimes people just need some time."

"Do I have time?"

"Yes."

"A lot?"

God actually sighed. "Not really."

"So I _am_ different than the others?"

"Not all of them, but most of them."

"Why? Why am I different?"

"Because I wanted you to be. Because I chose you to be. Because you **are**." He finally looked up at her and her eyes were flooded with bright, illuminating light that made her cover her face with her hands.

She sat up quickly in the bed. She was sweating and breathing deeply. She looked around her room. Nothing was out of place. It was a dream. Was it a dream she'd made up or was it God invading her head?

She got up and made her way to the kitchen. The light was on and she faltered for a minute, not wanting to see who it was, but then decided she'd chance it.

She found her mom sitting at the counter with a glass of milk. She looked up when Joan came in and smiled. "Can't sleep?"

Joan shook her head, getting a glass of water and sitting down next to her mother. "I had a dream with the brown-corduroy coat God again."

"Oh yeah? I haven't had it again. I think it's sort of neat that we have both had him in our dreams though. Sort of makes me feel closer to you..." She wanted to be closer to her. She wanted Joan to confide in her. She wanted a lot of things with Joan to be better.

"Yeah, I guess it does." She nodded and smiled over at her mom.

Helen smiled back.

---

Grace was glad that Luke had given her a valid reason to avoid him. She'd been running out of reasons to give him and had probably used some more than once.

It wasn't that she didn't like him, because she did. She wasn't quite sure _why_ she liked him, but she did. Maybe it was because he was smart. It was hard to find guys these days that were actually smart and could hold an _intelligent _conversation that didn't include sports and chicks. Luke could do that.

But then, it was hard to hold a conversation with him that _wasn't _intelligent. That wasn't always all that great either. Sometimes, Grace did like to talk about things that didn't involve Newton's Laws or Aristotle. Sometimes she liked to watch mindless entertainment on TV and talk about how weird Mr. Price's clothes were. She wasn't sure he'd even enjoy talking about something like that.

She probably should have given him a chance though. She probably still could, but that would mean that she didn't really mind that he was listening to her conversation with Joan in the bushes, which she **did** mind. There were certain lines one didn't cross and Luke had taken a flying leap over them with that move. Plus he had heard Grace talking about him, which was just creepy in so many ways she couldn't even voice it correctly without flaring her nostrils and grinding her teeth.

So she'd wait a while. And maybe she'd call him or something. Or walk by him on the sidewalk, push him and tell him to call her. Yes, that sounded better than her tracking him down like a lovesick puppy. Like Adam and Joan.

She was **not **like Adam and Joan.

---

Iris liked working with kids. She liked it a lot. They were easy to talk to, fun to be around and they weren't demanding. Not like kids her age. Not like A was.

Well he wasn't that demanding of her—it was more that Joan was demanding of him. And she had to admit, she had liked Joan before her and A started dating. She wasn't all that bad of a person and she could be pretty funny sometimes. But once she started to get jealous of their relationship, she had a feeling that her and A were going to break up sooner than she thought.

She could tell he liked Joan. She saw it _before _they started dating. But she wanted it. She wanted to feel a closeness to someone—a male—that wasn't abusive and manipulative like her father. She hadn't known that it was possible for a male to like her, much less be nice and caring toward her. So she dated him, even though she knew it would end. Because really, it was better to have had it for a little while than to never have had it at all; and she was still glad that they'd dated, even to the very day when all she did was try and baby-sit to stay out of the house.

She had a steady job with a nice family. They didn't want to take their kids to a daycare and were more than happy to have Iris come to their house everyday and watch the two kids. They were great kids anyhow. Twins—a boy and a girl about three and a half years old. Both beautiful children. Iris hoped that if she had kids, they would look something like them.

Sometimes she would imagine living with A and having a family, but she tried to keep that out of her mind as much as she could.

---

"Joan? Is there a Joan here?"

Joan looked up from the book she was flipping through, surprised to hear her name. It looked like an older lady who worked for UPS or something. Why was she asking for Joan?

She stood up and walked over to the lady, inquiring, "Joan Girardi?"

The lady lifted the piece of paper almost inches from her face. "Yes, that's it. Are you her?"

"Yes I'm her. What is it?" She wasn't really referring to the package, but it worked just as well.

"I've got a package for you."

Well that just cleared everything up. Joan shook her head. "Why would someone have you deliver a package to me... at the _library_?"

The lady handed Joan what looked to only be a manila envelope. _Some package. _She didn't answer, but rather told Joan to sign for it.

"Did you see who sent it? I've been... um... trying to avoid mail from certain people and... well it could be something... unpleasant." Joan wasn't sure if that made her sound like all that credible of a person.

The lady shook her head. "I don't see them, I just make the deliveries. If you want to know, you could check at the post office, though I'm not sure they'd even be able to help. But look, if you've got some problems, I can tell you that it was signed for by a 'TA' and they asked that you sign for it once you got it so that they would know. That's all I know of the person. I don't even know if the sender was male or female." She shrugged, taking her clipboard and walking out the door.

Joan sank back in the seat she was in, letting the letters go through her head. _TA? I don't know anyone with those initials... _She slowly opened the package and pulled out a small packet of papers stapled together that explained all about lyme disease and hallucinations.

There was a note on the front. It was a piece of paper, folded in half like a card. On the front a short note was scrawled in somewhat messy handwriting.

_Joan,_

_Thought this might be helpful to you. Be sure to read it through carefully._

She stared at it for a moment. Why hadn't they signed their name?She opened the card-like note to find another note inside. Her mouth dropped open and she started leaning in her seat without knowing it. The chair tipped over and she found herself on the floor. When she got over the initial shock and looked around, most of the people in the area were looking at her oddly. _This cannot be happening._

_**TA**...The Almighty. I think it has a nice ring to it. I'm trying to change my name. God is so short and choppy. Do you think the people would pick up 'The Almighty?' I think the songs they sing in church would be a lot more entertaining at the very least._

_Don't fret Joan, you'll get through this._

_God_

-end five-


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